My youngest sister is a self-help junkie and reads many books. Fortunately, she's good at filtering the books out and only recommends about one in ten. Because she only recommends relevant books that pass her quality meter, and she has pretty good filters, I generally read what she recommends.
Mindless Eating was funny and had some good pointers in it. Most of
Love and Logic was good. I didn't agree with the whole book, but there were some funny stories and food for thought. Her latest recommendation was
The Five Love Languages of Children.
Chapman, the fellow that wrote
The Five Love Languages of Children, wrote several variations of the book. He started with one for couples and then adapted it for different relationships. His basic premise is that people understand love differently, and if you speak to someone in a love language they understand, you'll get a lot more bang for your buck than if you speak in a language they don't understand. The five languages he talks about are physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gifts.
So, if your kid's prime language is physical touch but you don't hug them that often and instead tell them that you love them, the kid will know you love them, but won't
feel that you love them as much as if you hugged the kid more.
As I read the book, I naturally put my family members in their categories. Leon, my husband, is totally a words of affirmation guy. A sincere, well-placed compliment goes a long way with him. Anna, my daughter, is a quality-time girl, and my son, Quinn, is a person who thrives on physical touch. Me? Don't bother telling me. It's acts of service that work for me.
I pigeon holed my family members, but what should a person do with this information? Well, I thought it would be a good Sunday afternoon lunch-time talk. So, I made lunch, and we talked.
I told Leon how I read the book and the basic premise. The kids heard and started to ask questions. We had a go-around talking about it. Quinn said "so I can tell Daddy I love him, and then he'll know I love him, but for mommy I should do chores?" I told him, "Yes sweetie. Not exactly chores, but you know how I was in the shower and you walked in and saw that I forgot a towel and you brought me one? That sure told me that you loved me." Anna got in on it too and she hugged her brother and told Daddy that she loved him.
It was a good family discussion, but the best part happened over the rest of the day. The kids seemed to internalize the discussion and you could see them trying to act on it, and the effect lasted for about a week.
Maybe we need a review.
